Sunday, May 21, 2006

secrets, secrets, secrets...


from cave canum, an anonymous forum for secrets:


There is this thing you do with a computer server where you can “ping” it. It means you send a message to the computer asking if it is OK. The computer responds back with the equivalent of a “yep”. That’s it. A status check in the simplest form possible.

I wish I could “ping” my friends. I don’t have the time everyday to call each of them and ask about their day. I don’t have the bandwidth to get the full download and hear stories about what he said and what the jerk in the office did and how your sister was mean. Sometimes a simple “ping” would be so much better.

“You OK?”


I think we have a lot to learn from computers.

check it out. which secrets were posted by someone you know?


from postsecret, art form and therapy packaged together:

it's haunting. updated every sunday.


last semester, i had this breakdown. it was during finals, when i honestly thought there was no hope for me, which is silly, but silliness doesn't necessarily preclude me from feeling it.

i think i just get delicate when i get stressed. like, everything is precarious, there is a genuine need for someone else to ground me, for perhaps only the simple reason that during those times, i just don't know that i can do it myself. when sam was here, he was my grounding factor. without him, it's more of a toss up; i have friends but they have their lives as well, and i can't really blame them for not having the time to pick up the slack that i - in all reality - DO have the ability to handle myself.

it's all about perspective, i think. when you're in the thick of it, it just doesn't seem...doable. the road, the path, on and out, isn't obvious. it's like spelling lisp with an s. fuck that shit. isn't that when you need the clarity of mind the most, when you're stuck and hurting and need to be anywhere but where you are, and THAT's when the mind chooses to show you no options?

so here's my secret. i try and i try to be the most rational creature i can. but sometimes being a girl takes over, and i can't disentangle from the wicked self-esteem issues. the trick is to be able to hide it, i suppose, which brings forth another question:

what happens to those few whom you rely on to help get you out of those messes? my friends, the ones who know not only when i need their help but also what to do - does their being privy to the more pathetic Me mean that they think i'm sad? that they don't want to come back and help the next time?

it's a delicate balance, no?


Jesse said...


The same thing happens to me. I do well under public stress--stage managing, for example--but then I go back to my room and have to write ten pages and do two hours worth of reading and wonder if I"m getting anywhere with anything and a lot of the time I just have to cry for ten minutes before I can do any of it.

And I'll tell you one of the secrets I've found out. Everyone gets vulnerable sometimes, but some people refuse to share their trouble, or let themselves share once and then get so embarrased or ashamed by it that they close themselves off even more, and those are the people who I think are the saddest. Not in a way that makes me think less of them, but I mean I just get sad *for* them because it must be so hard.

Are you ok (ping)?

Jess Phillips

jadis said...

:) "yup."

thanks, jess. thank you.

Erin said...

Awww, don't worry, call me anytime and I'll bring you strawberries and whip cream - everyone needs that sort of thing now and then.

I think we survived the first year surprisingly well - we're still alive and mostly sane, after all.

jadis said...

:) you know those strawberries pretty much saved me. i don't know what it was...something about that just felt like i couldn't do it. thanks, erin.