Monday, July 25, 2005

zombies, the pill, and anniversaries

i woke up this morning after having spent all night battling zombies in my dreams. somehow claudia (my coworker girlfriend) and i were at the remains of a completely destroyed degrassi high (lol), slaying badguys with automatic weapons (and even syringes at one point – that’s badass! except the zombie pulled it out and chucked it back at me, which sucked). i do admit that i felt a bit like a videogame heroine when i wasn’t scared out of my wits, but i was in the middle of the climactic scene when my alarm went off, and even when you’re having a bad dream, you still want to see how it plays out…so there were several snooze sessions that involved my attempted regression into the battlefield of my mind to try to finish my adventure (it didn't work).

anyway, a couple hours later i was at work, and started feeling super sore in my shoulders, my back and my ribs (which is practically your whole body when you’re talking about places to be sore). i figured it was either all the laps i did over the weekend, or that i had slept really fitfully in some strange position and freaked out my system. basically, my body just feels uncomfortable in my skin today. everything is sore, my eye is a little irritated, it’s freezing at work so my fingers and toes are twenty well-polished little ice cubes, and my stomach is hurting.

which should be a clue, right ladies? of course the first thing claudia suggests is that my time of the month is coming up. instantly, i know she’s right, but it hadn’t occurred to me b/c i’ve been on the pill for so long that i’m used to (1) knowing exactly when everything is going to happen, (2) if i’m not feeling like it, skipping this part of my cycle entirely, (3) oh, i dunno, not having stomach cramps and full-body aches when i haven’t done the requisite mis-eating or exercise to deserve it.

but since toyota doesn’t give full health benefits to us humble interns, and i’m certainly not going to pay $50 a month for birth control when, um, there’s really nothing to control at this point, i decided to do without it until september when i start school again.

here’s some fun facts you may not know:

1) pms-ing sucks. yeeeees, it sucks for guys that have to deal with us (i am sorry), and yeeeees i do know girls who use it as an excuse to be fussy. but honestly? i feel just ridiculously icky in my body right now—everything hurts, no matter how i sit i can’t get my back pain to go away, etc, etc. i don’t know if it’s just my body recoiling from the lack of the drugs for the first time in a year, but pms-ing is like a full-blown body rebellion! so guys! have some sympathy. it’s not great.

2) the pill is great! it is great, great, great. there are many subreasons for this! they include:

3) it prevents children! this is great when you are 22!

4) it clears up your skin! i am not kidding. i’m starting to break out again on my forehead and it’s like….*sigh* nooooot thiiiis agaaaaaaaain. i thought i was dooooone with thiiiiis.

5) it prevents serious cramping. not such a big deal when your cramping was not serious to begin with. very big deal when you had very serious, work-stopping, can’t focus on anything else, i would cut out my uterus and give it to a homeless guy except i think he wouldn’t appreciate it very much cramps.

6) YOU CAN SKIP YOUR PERIOD. THIS IS MAGIC. you can do this at NO harm to your body, INDEFINITELY.

there’s one more item that belongs on this list, but not for me. the pill will also increase your bust size! oh, yes, great for many of you, not so much something i want—i can’t have my boobs any bigger! i’ll fall over! so i went the low-estrogen route, which is supposed to minimize that effect.

anyway, the point of all this was: i had a crazy dream, and i miss the pill.

confidential…to those who find it: today marks 4 years. i like to think she’d be in med school by now, probably a really good one, and probably on a scholarship! dearest miss k…she was so awesome. if i could tell her, i would thank her for always being such an awesome girlfriend to me. i miss you so, so, so much.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

star wars hunger

From: Rudy
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 9:54 AM
To: Wesley
Subject: hungry

Can u hear my stomach rumbling from over there? It’s goin crazy man!



From: Wesley
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 9:56 AM
To: Rudy
Subject: RE: hungry

I don’t hear it, but I sense a disturbance in the force.



From: Rudy
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 9:59 AM
To: Wesley
Subject: RE: hungry

I can FEEL your hunger! It gives you focus!



From: Wesley
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 10:06 AM
To: Rudy
Subject: RE: hungry

“I shouldn’t have eaten that. It’s not the Jedi way.”



From: Rudy
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 10:08 AM
To: Wesley
Subject: RE: hungry

You must defeat your hunger! Then, and only then, a Jedi will you be.



From: Cyndi
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 11:04 AM
To: Wesley
Subject: Re: FW: hungry

omg, that's hilarious. This is his most desperate hour! Help him, Wesley Lee Kano-lee, you're his only hope!



From: Wesley
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 11:11 AM
To: Cyndi
Cc: Rudy
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

If you devour me, I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine



From: Rudy
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 11:14 AM
To: Wesley
Cc: Cyndi
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

Your powers are weak, old man. When I left you I was the student, but now I am the master!



From: Cyndi
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 11:15 AM
To: Rudy
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

cyndi: "your quotes are only funny if they pertain to food."
rudy: "my quotes are only funny if they pertain to food."
cyndi: "your next joke will be better."
rudy: "my next joke will be better."



From: Rudy
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 11:20 AM
To: 'Cyndi’
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

Don’t underestimate the hunger in my stomach!
It will be your undoing.



From: Wesley
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 11:50 AM
To: Rudy
Cc: Cyndi
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

Red wing standing by. Chicken wing standing by. Buffalo wing standing by. Locking wings in S(auce)-foil position. We’re going in!



From: Rudy
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 11:53 AM
To: Wesley
Cc: Cyndi
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

My stomach can’t hold it, she’s gonna blow!



From: Cyndi
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2005 3:02 PM
To: Rudy
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

Search your feelings. You know your fullness to be true.



From: Rudy
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 7:01 AM
To: Cyndi
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

In a whiny cry: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!”



From: Wesley
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 8:33 AM
To: Rudy
Cc: Cyndi
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

“You ate that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”



From: Rudy
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 8:35 AM
To: Cyndi
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

You’ll find my stomach is full of surprises.



From: Cyndi
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 8:43 AM
To: Rudy
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

I don't like this email thread. It's hard, and rough.

Not like you.

You're soft...and smooth...



From: Wesley
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 8:50 AM
To: Cyndi
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

Ok, that one made me laugh out loud.



From: Rudy
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 8:48 AM
To: Cyndi
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

It’s all Wesley’s fault! He’s jealous of me. He’s holding me back from my DVD’s! I hate him!!! I HATE HIM!!!!



From: Cyndi
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 8:54 AM
To: Rudy
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

You'd better apologize to Wesley, for your sake. He is not as forgiving as I am.



From: Rudy
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 8:59 AM
To: Cyndi
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

I can destroy Wesley. He has forseen it. It is my destiny!



From: Wesley
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 10:35 AM
To: Rudy
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

You cannot! The Fooood is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all cooked things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.



From: Rudy
Sent: Thursday, July 15, 2005 10:38 AM
To: Wesley
Cc: Cyndi
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

I find your lack of food disturbing…



From: Cyndi
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 10:51 AM
To: Rudy
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

What, you couldn't tell me about your lunch plans? Did you tell Wes? Is that who you could tell?



From: Rudy
Sent: Thursday, July 15, 2005 10:53 AM
To: Cyndi
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

No, it’s not like that. It’s not like that at all… He’s my waiter.



From: Cyndi
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 10:56 AM
To: Rudy
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

OMG that's hilarious, LOL



From: Rudy
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 11:00 AM
To: Cyndi
Cc: Wesley
Subject: RE: FW: hungry

LOL

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

i love mcsweeneys

Authorial Candy Bars, with Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren't as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar.
BY JONATHAN SHIPLEY

- - - -

Nietzsche Bar—"Chocolate is dead."

Orwell Bar—"Eat this treat and help blot out the bloody stain of Stalin's Russia."

Barrie's Berry Snacks—"The official candy of faeries."

Chaucer Sweet Cheese Bar—"Of harmes two the lesse is for to cheese."

Melville Bar—"Call me tasty."

Dollop of Trollope—"Victorianesque in its chocolate decadence."

James Joyce Candy Bar—"Episode I: Tele-munch-us."

E.A. Poe Candy Balls—"Keeping time, time, time, / In a sort of Runic rhyme, / To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells / From the Candy Balls, Candy Balls, Candy Balls."

Mrs. Dalloway Treats—"Woolf these down!"

Wilde Bar—"A taste so good it'll be better than being sentenced to two years of hard labor for the crime of sodomy."



Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening.
BY JASON PERSSE

- - - -

"White wine, red wine. Who do I have to fuck to get a Capri Sun around here?"

"Now that you mention it, I have no idea who designed this shirt."

"Does naming the work 'Chaos' belie the artist's reliance upon a sparse, monochromatic field, or am I just a pretentious douchebag?"

"Well, that's obvious, but what do the other three midgets represent?"

"Let me get this straight—the artist is gay and German? You just blew my mind."

"I can't. I have to work tomorrow."

Monday, July 11, 2005

obligatory tomkat satire - article

Holmes Sweet Holmes
She's landed the role of a lifetime - the beautiful bride of the world's biggest movie star. What's so weird about that?

By Robert Haskell

The statistics on arranged marriage are surprising. In every country where it is still common practice, including Afghanistan, India, Iraq, Iran and, to a lesser extent, Japan, an arranged marriage has a higher success rate than a so-called "love marriage."

It's impossible to say what this augurs for Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise. Of course, theirs isn't an arranged marriage—though it was certainly arranged quickly. The awesomely public couple had all of six weeks, during much of which Holmes was on the Batman Begins junket, to decide that they loved each other, that they wanted to spend their lives together and that they would buck Hollywood convention, to say nothing of common sense, and sing their joy from the mountaintops (or from flashbulb-blitzed press conferences, red carpets and vastly popular TV talk shows). Arranged marriages are measured, often solemn affairs; the fist-pumping pomp of the Cruise-Holmes union is another story. And the more times Holmes tells it, the stranger it sounds.

"I've found the man of my dreams," says the 26-year-old actress, sitting in a bathrobe as a manicurist paints her nails the color of kryptonite and a stylist teases her hair into wavelets in preparation for her W photo shoot. It's 8 a.m., and Holmes looks astonishingly fresh for a woman who taped several television shows the previous day before heading back to Cruise's New York apartment, putting on her sweatpants and UGG slippers, and settling in for a late movie with her sweetheart. "From the moment I met him," she continues, "it just felt like I'd known him forever. I was blown away. He's the most incredible man. He's so generous and kind, and he helps so many people, and, um, he makes me laugh like I've never laughed, and he's a great friend.…"

This is how the conversation begins; this is also how it continues, and how it ends. No question can do much to change its course.

Do you worry that this might be a rebound romance for either of you?

"I've never met anyone like Tom," Holmes replies, her beautiful green eyes focused on nothing in particular.

Do you ever wonder whether this is just a honeymoon phase?

"Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase."

Did you learn anything in your previous relationship (five years with actor Chris Klein, which came to an end when they called off their engagement this past winter) that has been a benefit to this one?

"Chris and I care about each other and we're still friends. Tom is the most incredible man in the world."

Do you feel that, with more relationship experience, you get better at resolving conflicts?

"Meeting Tom—I'm just exhilarated. He makes me laugh, we have fun, we understand each other, everything is so aligned. I feel so lucky and so—like I've been given such a gift, such a gift, you know?" She pauses. "And it's just really amazing."

If Holmes were actually answering the questions posed—rather than simply reciting the same mantralike love letter—she'd be making a somewhat provocative point: Her relationship is not like other relationships, with their conflicts, compromises and complications; there will be no apology flowers, nights spent on the couch or couples therapy for these two (as a practicing Scientologist, Cruise strongly disapproves of psychiatry).

Is there anything you guys don't have in common?

"You know, we appreciate each other."

Has it been a challenge to make his kids feel comfortable?

"They're just exceptional people."

Isn't it an adjustment to move in with someone—and after only a month? (In late May, Holmes packed up her apartment in Hollywood's El Royale complex and moved into Cruise's Beverly Hills manse.)

"He's the man of my dreams."

Does he leave his dirty socks on the bedroom floor? Something? Anything?

"No."

The lady doth protest not nearly enough. It's impossible, even for a moment, to slip under the halo of cartoon hearts dancing around Holmes's head—which partly explains why the media has so relished the project of puncturing her happiness ever since it was first broadcast, from the David di Donatello awards in Rome, on April 29. (Even People magazine, a typically unwavering Hollywood celebrant, has published polls indicating that the majority of its readers believe "TomKat" is a hoax.) Though Holmes's star has surely risen, its motion is more akin to the teacup ride at the fairground: a spin that brings queasiness, not thrills.

Anyone who has seen photos from the couple's June tour of European capitals in support of their summer movies will recognize the tall, cold-eyed Jessica Rodriguez, a third wheel at all of Holmes's recent public appearances. Rodriguez, 29, was described to me as Holmes's "Scientologist chaperone," and it was clear that she would be on hand during our interview despite my protests. Polite and restrained but alert to troublesome questions, Rodriguez chimes in only to offer an amen following one of Holmes's rhapsodies. ("You adore him," Rodriguez says after the actress explains that she can't keep her hands off Cruise.) But she rises from her chair when Holmes is asked how she feels about the widespread disbelief in her new union.

"The truth is, we don't read that stuff because it's just rude," Rodriguez says—referring to rumors that Cruise made a financial arrangement with Holmes (after auditioning a field of other young starlets, including Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth). When I suggest that the televised hyperbolizing of their happiness may have undercut its credibility, Rodriguez asks, "Have you ever been in love? You just want to share it with the world." I suggest that many couples prefer to cherish the feeling privately, especially in the delicate first months. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, whatever the nature of their relationship, come to mind.

"But why can't they go public, you know what I mean?" Rodriguez continues. "Like, Brad and Angelina—that's just a shame for them. Right, Katie?"

"Yeah. I mean, I'm just so happy," Holmes says in reply as a makeup artist begins to powder her cheeks. (Holmes's skin, in contrast to the evidence of a recent barrage of embarrassing tabloid photos, is perfect.) "And I love celebrating our happiness. I can't keep it in."

Meanwhile, the tabloids report that friends back in Toledo, Ohio, where Holmes grew up, are worried about her. ("People who say that aren't my friends," she says.) They wonder whether Cruise is sabotaging her career by steering her away from roles that deal with subject matter that Scientology disapproves of?in particular, the role of the drug-addled Edie Sedgwick in George Hickenlooper's upcoming Factory Girl, which Holmes pulled out of. "Tom's so supportive and he's such an inspiration," she protests.

"I just felt that the role wasn't right for me, and in light of my Batman Begins schedule and everything, it was just not the right time. When I pick roles, I ask, first, Is this a story that I want to tell? Can I help move this story along, and will I be an asset to it? I'm excited to keep expanding and finding different roles to play." What about a film with Cruise? "That would be such an honor. Such an honor."

Cruise may not be imposing his will on Holmes's career, but, with Rodriguez's help, he appears to have made a strong bid for her soul. After the interview, when I ask Rodriguez how long she's worked with Holmes—reports call her a longtime employee of the Church of Scientology—she waves her hand and says, "Oh, no, we're just best friends.… Well, Katie has a lot of friends." And how long have you been friends? "Oh, a while," Rodriguez answers. "I don't know."

It turns out the two women were introduced only six weeks earlier—right around the time when Holmes met Cruise. (Holmes prefers to keep the details of the couple's first date to herself, but Cruise is said to have invited her to a sushi dinner on his plane.) Rodriguez comes from a family of wealthy Bay area Scientologists; she attended a boarding school in Oregon linked to Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, then went to work for the church, reportedly attaining membership in the Sea Org—Scientology's elite religious order, whose members commit to the church for one billion years—in 1998. No one close to Holmes will venture to say exactly what Rodriguez's role in the actress's life is these days.

On the day we meet, Holmes tells me she's not a Scientologist. (Three days later, in Europe, she will announce that she has converted.) "You know, it's really exciting," the actress says of the religion. "I just started auditing"—Scientology's word for receiving spiritual counseling—"and I'm taking some courses, and I really like it. I feel it's really helping. What I like about it is that, you know, I was raised Catholic, and you can be a Catholic and a Scientologist, Jewish and a Scientologist." Holmes went to Notre Dame Academy, a Catholic high school in Toledo, and was accepted at Columbia University before she landed the role of the lovelorn tomboy Joey Potter on Dawson's Creek. Her parents, devout Catholics, are said to be a weekly fixture at Christ the King church in Toledo. "I'm learning," Holmes says, as the makeup artist applies eye shadow, "to celebrate my own spirit, my own being."

No pressure from Cruise, she swears: "That's really ludicrous because, I mean, you have to know Tom. He is the most loving, generous man who… first of all, he wants to help people. He doesn't put pressure on people. He is the kindest, smartest, most adoring man. It's a pleasure and a privilege to be with him."

As if that weren't already perfectly clear, just then a security guard lumbers into the dressing room and presents Holmes with a giant silver box tied in a thick purple ribbon. A small crowd gathers to watch her gleefully tear open the package and pluck out a Chanel diamond necklace—a gift, naturally, from Cruise. "He's my man! He's my man!" she screams, then jumps up on her chair to do an impression of her fiancé's now-famous sofa shtick from Oprah.

People begin to cheer. "This is your moment!" cries the manicurist.

[blogger's note: that is MY FAVORITE line in the entire article, LOL - '"This is YOUR MOMENT!" cries the manicurist.']

"I can do splits too," Holmes says, jumping down and splaying herself across the floor. On that note, I suggest, we should probably get the photo shoot started.

"On that note," she replies, "I love him."

"Holmes Sweet Holmes" by Robert Haskell has been edited for Style.com; the complete story appears in the August 2005 issue of W.

Friday, July 08, 2005

kirby on the DS

i have never been a gamer. i wasn’t allowed a nintendo when i was younger, and even though i had a gameboy in its original, hulky, grey, “classic” form, i never had a PS2, or an xbox or anything, not even in college. ryry’s got a gamecube which i play occasionally, but it’s always been his.

so, really, i wasn’t prepared for addiction. but alas, someone, with tricksy methods (“here, borrow mine for as long as you want”) and dishonest lures (“c’mon, i’ll give you a $20 subsidy! think of all the fun times we’ll have together!”) convinced me to buy my own nintendo DS.

and now there is no stopping the madness.

the DS itself came with a free game (Super Mario 64 DS, which is freaking *hard* by the way) and then i was also given a free Feel the Magic, which i like to think toes the line btwn offensive objectification of women and evidence that the japanese have deeply rooted sexuality issues (who am i kidding, there is no line! and the game is a blast!).

but the real kicker happens to be a pink roundling called kirby.

it’s wes’s fault again, his obsession with penny arcade means that i drop in on the site once in a while. i do enjoy the comics, though i don’t get all of them cause they’re too nerdy-gamer funny for me (occasionally it does speak directly to me –i nearly freaked out at a serenity strip). there was one game review, though, that i loved, the writing was funny and the review part is always quite reliable:

I did refer to the nintendo ds as a "useless novelty factory" at one point, which I will admit was impolite, but so many of the games that come out either don't make good use of the device or posit some novel idea and then don't follow through. Kirby's Canvas Curse has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in this regard. It is beautiful to look at and plays with a sensibility that feels classic from the outset. Imagine that gaming history had followed a very different course - with pen interfaces de rigueur when the immovable tenets of platform gaming had been conceived - and you will be very near the thing.

The adorable kirby can be tapped to dash through enemies, stealing their abilities, and once they are stolen in this way kirby can be tapped to utilize it - but primarily you interact with our elastic hero by drawing beautiful rainbow bridges for it to roll and bounce on. Whatever direction you draw the bridge gives it momentum, like unto a conveyor belt, and curlicue shapes can even be drawn to ream foes. Shields can also be created from the same whimsical material. The entire game is played with the pen, there's no additional button presses that require "monkey paw" style hand positions to manage the stylus and whatever other gameplay fantasies the designer attempted to inflict. So the levels just fly by as you react to situations in intuitive ways, with a level of interaction that truly requires the machine. I love it. I am a grown man who draws rainbows.


even before i got the DS, that last line already made me a buyer. it’s hilarious! couple it with the accompanying strip:



and how could i help it? so, i shucked out $35 and bought the damn thing. and i have not been able to stop playing. i go back over previous courses, over and over, trying to get the damn coin, doing the time trials, doing the use-the-least-amount-of-ink trials, trying to unlock the secret levels, WASTING MY YOUNG LIFE AWAY!

the thing is, the game is perfect for non-gamers like me cause it’s so freaking intuitive. super mario on the DS requires all this horrible multicoordination. one hand, move yoshi in the right direction; same hand, make him move and continue moving. other hand—make him speed up! make him suck up the bad guys! make him turn them into eggs! make him shoot them! other direction! look out! it’s a bomb! two screens to look at: bad guys and obstacles and general movement on one screen, but the bottom screen has the map that's really hard to read, the direction that yoshi is facing, and the goal. I CAN’T HANDLE IT ALL! i physically can’t do it while defending yoshi from bad guys and not falling off ledges. it’s too hard.

but kirby’s levels are more linear, they may be intricate, but they only occasionally require orienting yourself at the map. and moving him is a cinch with the stylus. plus, he’s so freaking cute cause he has NO ARMS OR LEGS. (i have a *slew* of jokes on this topic. ah, another time, little pedro.)

anyway, damn wes and damn penny arcade and damn the DS. i love it all.