Wednesday, July 13, 2005

i love mcsweeneys

Authorial Candy Bars, with Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren't as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar.

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Nietzsche Bar—"Chocolate is dead."

Orwell Bar—"Eat this treat and help blot out the bloody stain of Stalin's Russia."

Barrie's Berry Snacks—"The official candy of faeries."

Chaucer Sweet Cheese Bar—"Of harmes two the lesse is for to cheese."

Melville Bar—"Call me tasty."

Dollop of Trollope—"Victorianesque in its chocolate decadence."

James Joyce Candy Bar—"Episode I: Tele-munch-us."

E.A. Poe Candy Balls—"Keeping time, time, time, / In a sort of Runic rhyme, / To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells / From the Candy Balls, Candy Balls, Candy Balls."

Mrs. Dalloway Treats—"Woolf these down!"

Wilde Bar—"A taste so good it'll be better than being sentenced to two years of hard labor for the crime of sodomy."

Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening.

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"White wine, red wine. Who do I have to fuck to get a Capri Sun around here?"

"Now that you mention it, I have no idea who designed this shirt."

"Does naming the work 'Chaos' belie the artist's reliance upon a sparse, monochromatic field, or am I just a pretentious douchebag?"

"Well, that's obvious, but what do the other three midgets represent?"

"Let me get this straight—the artist is gay and German? You just blew my mind."

"I can't. I have to work tomorrow."


jaggd said...

Did you read the Hardy Boys one from a week[ish] ago? I was cracking up at my desk.

excerpt -- Page 60: We encourage including Nancy Drew in the adventure as it represents great cross-marketing with our other adventure series. We would think it goes without saying, however, that she would not have, nor even contemplate, surgical enhancement. Please delete all references to her "killer rack."

I'm going to try out some of those comments at the next art opening I go to, especially, "Does naming the work [insert title here] belie the artist's reliance upon [insert distinguishing characteristic of work here], or am I just a pretentious douchebag?"

jadis said...

LOL, i will have to go back and find the hardy boys one, it sounds hilarious.

if you can give the pretentious douchebag line without cracking up, i will be so impressed!