i want to feel this way again

from post secret




-------Email Message-------
Sent: Saturday, September 30, 2006 8:30 PM

My boyfriend and I knew we had to do something important or else our relationship would fall apart. So we took markers and wrote our deepest secrets on the backs of each other.

I never read his secrets, and he never read mine, but the perilousness of such close contact between us and the other's demons was what we needed to save our relationship.




doesn't that sound beautiful?

there's no business...

i want everything.

i want to be the center of attention, the center of the universe, the universal answer, the answer to no question.

that's a lie. i want to be a black hole. i want nothing to come near me out of fear of what i may do, what i may take, how i may ruin.

i want to be understood, but i don't want to put in the effort.

i want to be insulated from everything that hurts. twice over. i want to be strong enough that pain never breaches my outer walls, that it never pierces my armor and stabs through the skin. i want to have no achillles' heel, no soft spot, no sweet spot. i want to be all sweet spot.

i feel like i deserve to be punished. like my whole life is a righting of wrongs. unsuccessfully so. i want to be successful. but i want the world to measure success with the same barometer i'm using, not the impossible, daunting scale it has now where my efforts don't even register.

i want to be loved, but i don't want to put in the effort. i've already put in the effort. i want it to be given to me instead of being taken from me. but i don't want anyone to know.

i want nothing.

secrets, secrets, secrets...

"secrets"

from cave canum, an anonymous forum for secrets:

10141.

There is this thing you do with a computer server where you can “ping” it. It means you send a message to the computer asking if it is OK. The computer responds back with the equivalent of a “yep”. That’s it. A status check in the simplest form possible.

I wish I could “ping” my friends. I don’t have the time everyday to call each of them and ask about their day. I don’t have the bandwidth to get the full download and hear stories about what he said and what the jerk in the office did and how your sister was mean. Sometimes a simple “ping” would be so much better.

“You OK?”

“Yep.”

I think we have a lot to learn from computers.

check it out. which secrets were posted by someone you know?

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"secrets"

from postsecret, art form and therapy packaged together:



it's haunting. updated every sunday.

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"secrets"

last semester, i had this breakdown. it was during finals, when i honestly thought there was no hope for me, which is silly, but silliness doesn't necessarily preclude me from feeling it.

i think i just get delicate when i get stressed. like, everything is precarious, there is a genuine need for someone else to ground me, for perhaps only the simple reason that during those times, i just don't know that i can do it myself. when sam was here, he was my grounding factor. without him, it's more of a toss up; i have friends but they have their lives as well, and i can't really blame them for not having the time to pick up the slack that i - in all reality - DO have the ability to handle myself.

it's all about perspective, i think. when you're in the thick of it, it just doesn't seem...doable. the road, the path, on and out, isn't obvious. it's like spelling lisp with an s. fuck that shit. isn't that when you need the clarity of mind the most, when you're stuck and hurting and need to be anywhere but where you are, and THAT's when the mind chooses to show you no options?

so here's my secret. i try and i try to be the most rational creature i can. but sometimes being a girl takes over, and i can't disentangle from the wicked self-esteem issues. the trick is to be able to hide it, i suppose, which brings forth another question:

what happens to those few whom you rely on to help get you out of those messes? my friends, the ones who know not only when i need their help but also what to do - does their being privy to the more pathetic Me mean that they think i'm sad? that they don't want to come back and help the next time?

it's a delicate balance, no?

last day

so today was my last day at the mayor's office. i am finally free, from my crazy boss and hectic stress and downtown LA traffic and last minute press conferences and missed meals.

i stole a -ton- of office supplies.

monday, i'll start my summer internship with toyota. (no rest for the weary.) (or wary? weary, i think) i'm nervous about starting somewhere new, even though they seem very exicted to be getting an intern with professional work experience. actually, that's probably part of my problem - i'm so concerned that i'll get there and they'll realize i'm a total hack, and all my "experience" entailed at the mayor's office was avoiding my boss and procrastinating. it's not entirely true, but i certainly feel there's a danger of my real inability to be exposed.

the other concern is that people there will not like me. which is a stupid concern. because i know that no matter where i go, there will always be people who do like me, as well as people who don't, and as long as i'm not deceived about which is which i shouldn't have a problem. but i do let it mess with my head; all i can think about whenever the dislikers are present is how to be impressive somehow to make up for it. and then i end up sounding like a babbling moron or standing reeeeally awkwardly in silence.

i have found that boyfriend's sisters, in particular, do not like me.

at least i am consistent!