obligatory cranky finals post

so at the starbucks on wilshire & union there's only one bathroom, which is bisexual, and in order to use it, there is a bathroom key attached to some large carrying item (usually a ruler or stick or spatula, recently a big scooper spoon thingy).

admittedly, the concept isn't the most hygienic - you are, after all, trekking this item into a public bathroom, where it's placed who knows where before being brought back out into an area of dining establishment - but you know what, i don't fault starbucks for doing it that way, b/c if i were working behind the counter, it sure as hell would beat making me walk over to open the damn door for customers all day. i usually make do by putting the key-plus-spoon on the paper towel dispenser, which is aaaallll the way across the room from the toilet (it's a pretty big space), and then only touching it with my sleeve or something. also, i try not to think about it.

it's the way it is. so there is really no excuse to be a bitch.

today i walked out of the bathroom and there was a girl in her young twenties, same as me, waiting to use it next. i hold open the door for her, and hand her the key to take with her into the bathroom.

this girl shoots me a look of disdain and superiority. do i expect her to touch that?, the look says. look, lady, i reply by giving a little reminder shake of the key in mid-air, we all gotta suck it up, so take the damn key.

then - i kid you not - a grin flashes across her face for a split second before she sneers, "uhh, you can put that back for me." and then closes the door behind her. clearly she believes this to be a moment of mild genius: she doesn't have to handle the bathroom key! leave it to the proletariats!

now, i'm exhausted, and stressed, and frankly don't particularly like bitches, so i'm a bit put off by this exchange. moreover, wtf kind of way is that to talk to somebody? oh, i can put it back for you? you'll f-ing LET me? gee, thanks.

anyway, seeing that she closed the door behind her as a way of ending our interaction, it's not like i had much of a choice anyway, so i put the key back on the counter.

and i totally didn't stop the dude who grabbed the key next and opened the door on her.

*karma dance*

it's like a place i remember being once

fellow collegemate and blogger jaggd has some interesting thoughts on happiness.

meanwhile, a more academic and new-york-centric look at the same topic. it's v. long but well worth a skim.

as for me, i'm not where i want to be right now, but working on it. or toughing it out at least. or surviving. aren't they all just words for each other, anyway??

there's no business...

i want everything.

i want to be the center of attention, the center of the universe, the universal answer, the answer to no question.

that's a lie. i want to be a black hole. i want nothing to come near me out of fear of what i may do, what i may take, how i may ruin.

i want to be understood, but i don't want to put in the effort.

i want to be insulated from everything that hurts. twice over. i want to be strong enough that pain never breaches my outer walls, that it never pierces my armor and stabs through the skin. i want to have no achillles' heel, no soft spot, no sweet spot. i want to be all sweet spot.

i feel like i deserve to be punished. like my whole life is a righting of wrongs. unsuccessfully so. i want to be successful. but i want the world to measure success with the same barometer i'm using, not the impossible, daunting scale it has now where my efforts don't even register.

i want to be loved, but i don't want to put in the effort. i've already put in the effort. i want it to be given to me instead of being taken from me. but i don't want anyone to know.

i want nothing.

love and loss

krisana marie. i love you.

11/23/82 - 07/25/01

quadruple bypass blogging

fellow blogger jaggd wrote a really interesting post recently about his motivation for blogging...or, as the post explains, perhaps his recent lack thereof.

ever since i moved to blogspot from pitas, i've been trying to keep my posts minimally about my personal life; i enjoy putting up interesting articles and recommendations so people can see what i am interested in, but i've been trying not to get too detailed. my biggest exception, as i think is natural, is when i am upset; this is the time when i feel most alone, and thus need to "vent" the most.

ironically, this is the time when words are most difficult for me to form. how do you talk about yourself and your issues without sounding really, painfully, self-involved? tricky.

what's more, it is during these periods that i feel zero motivation to write. part of it is that, like my friend, i think that no one is going to read it anyway. no one cares. that is a powerful toxin to creative expression, i think.

another part of it is that lack of motivation comes part and parcel with feeling blue; it's a defining characteristic, in fact.

the other thing that happens is that i write, and then i hate what i produce. i strive to be funny, insightful, interesting...then i end up positive i sound ridiculous, like i am trying too hard. it's an interesting beast. [blogger's note: another fellow blogger and old friend sakusha also has some very eloquent words about inspiration and writing. click the link & search the page for post title "broken silence" and "disjointed ramble."]

anyway, i had a blog post planned tonight to touch a bit on the topic of hospitals. my grandfather is going in for a quadruple bypass tomorrow. the post might have reflected on my decision tonight that i really do not like hospitals (tonight being only my third hospital experience i can remember), also fattened up a bit with facts that i gathered about the procedure from web md (which, if you have never visited, is an awesome site - UNLESS YOU ARE SICK), and, as can only be expected, perhaps a couple thoughts on death as well.

but you know what? it just seemed too personal.

so i got to thinking about blogging. i used to (and still do) blog about personal things, and as you can probably already tell, i certainly have no problem not shutting up! about philosophical/psychological things. so what's the issue? i'm not sure.

somewhere between planning my post tonight and typing it up, the elusive feeling i was trying to capture somehow . . . changed. and you know, maybe that is the point of blogging? to just capture those really thin slivers of perspective in that one teensy, particular moment, before all the other emotions/fears/things you are trying to express take center stage for their moment.

secrets, secrets, secrets...

"secrets"

from cave canum, an anonymous forum for secrets:

10141.

There is this thing you do with a computer server where you can “ping” it. It means you send a message to the computer asking if it is OK. The computer responds back with the equivalent of a “yep”. That’s it. A status check in the simplest form possible.

I wish I could “ping” my friends. I don’t have the time everyday to call each of them and ask about their day. I don’t have the bandwidth to get the full download and hear stories about what he said and what the jerk in the office did and how your sister was mean. Sometimes a simple “ping” would be so much better.

“You OK?”

“Yep.”

I think we have a lot to learn from computers.

check it out. which secrets were posted by someone you know?

---

"secrets"

from postsecret, art form and therapy packaged together:



it's haunting. updated every sunday.

---

"secrets"

last semester, i had this breakdown. it was during finals, when i honestly thought there was no hope for me, which is silly, but silliness doesn't necessarily preclude me from feeling it.

i think i just get delicate when i get stressed. like, everything is precarious, there is a genuine need for someone else to ground me, for perhaps only the simple reason that during those times, i just don't know that i can do it myself. when sam was here, he was my grounding factor. without him, it's more of a toss up; i have friends but they have their lives as well, and i can't really blame them for not having the time to pick up the slack that i - in all reality - DO have the ability to handle myself.

it's all about perspective, i think. when you're in the thick of it, it just doesn't seem...doable. the road, the path, on and out, isn't obvious. it's like spelling lisp with an s. fuck that shit. isn't that when you need the clarity of mind the most, when you're stuck and hurting and need to be anywhere but where you are, and THAT's when the mind chooses to show you no options?

so here's my secret. i try and i try to be the most rational creature i can. but sometimes being a girl takes over, and i can't disentangle from the wicked self-esteem issues. the trick is to be able to hide it, i suppose, which brings forth another question:

what happens to those few whom you rely on to help get you out of those messes? my friends, the ones who know not only when i need their help but also what to do - does their being privy to the more pathetic Me mean that they think i'm sad? that they don't want to come back and help the next time?

it's a delicate balance, no?

a little power...

an open letter. to the librarian who keeps telling me how to sit in the library.

LOOK!

i am asian! i like to be barefoot! i especially like to be barefoot when i study! because studying law, my friend, SUCKS.

it is a miserable experience. there is too much to know. and not enough time to learn aforementioned knowledge. and it's not just that i have to know some stuff about the law! i am also expected to know MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE about the law. do you see?! do you see how those three elements combined are inherently counterintuitive to the concept of doing well?

so anything that i can do to make myself feel better - I NEED right now!

YES. that does include me showing up in your library in sweatpants and subjecting you to the unfortunate sight of my un-makeup-ed, undone hair "ensemble." to be fair, i always try to pair said pants with a cute tank top, but trust me, i understand it's not a pleasant sight. when you consider it in a package with my less-than-sparkling personality right now, I GET THAT I AM NOT A SYMPATHETIC SOUL.

BUT I NEED THIS. i need to be able to sit cross-legged on your incredibly uncomfortable wooden chairs and bang my forehead alternately on the glass table top and my casebook. please don't tell me it is a "health risk." i buy on average 10 books from your used bookstore every six weeks! you make a profit on me! DONT YOU FEEL I HAVE EARNED THIS? *sobbing* GO AWAY...



deep breaths. in closing, thank you for your free wifi. thank you for your fabulous comic book collection. but leave me alone with how i sit. thanks.

jadis.

ps. how about staying open a lil' later than 9pm, eh? smooches.

neurotic

overthinking has made me nauseous...

sometimes i wish things could be easy.
easier. easier for me.

i'm my own worst enemy...i want it to come naturally.

no, i want it to appear to come naturally. i don't want people to suspect.

and as a result, when i'm at my breaking point, i have no one to go to. since in the end i'm just a damn girl.

non-recommendations 2 - microsoft word

i fucking hate word with the loathing that most reserve for puppy kickers. i hate it so much my delicate facial features start to twitch when i think too much about it.

fucking presumptuous, piece of shit software, that thinks it knows what i want but only serves to FUCK UP MY COURSE OUTLINE. don't autoformat me, fucking bitch! no, i don't mean "torturous" when i write "tortious"! no, i dont mean "iii." indented halfway in the middle of the page when i write "2)" on the left!!

AND FUCK YOU for RETROACTIVELY CHANGING ALL MY NUMBERS TO "1." and all my LETTERS TO "a." WHEN I AM NEARLY FINISHED YOU ASSHOLE! (weeps) when i need to memorize a 5 step process, it does me no good to have all the steps labeled one!!!!

all right. in all fairness, i have a midterm on saturday, and in addition to completely ignoring my emails (that's you jess, alana, ari, em, rhi...my response is coming...) i have been shunning daylight and naps as well, so i am a tad grumpy, and part of this post is that. also, i will admit that word does not proclaim to be an outlining software, only a word processing one.

THAT SAID, I STILL FUCKING HATE IT. you do NOT know what i want, so stop changing things without at least labelling what you're changing and checking with me first. this is the second time i've had to go back over the entire thing and relabel my numbers/indentations. i know you are confused by my disorganized style of outlining, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY LEAVE ME ALONE!!

you know what else bothers me, is that i am actually quite proficient at word. i know how to work it with relative dexterity, and i can fix most formatting problems that other people can't, just by virtue of having used it specifically for formatting purposes, etc. so, it just drives me nuts that there's no, i dunno, loyalty reciprocated at all, like, word doesn't appreciate that i know its ins and outs, it just wants to f-ing dupe me along with all the other suckers. well fuck you! word! you friggin bastard.

...i am calming down now, and adding addendums that are less screaming but not less irritated. word should let me "lock" pages. like, the first fifteen pages of my outline? i should be able to "lock" them and not let the program just shuffle margins and labels as it pleases, since, i dunno, it took me the better part of three weeks to get this shit done, and i dont think some fucking program should be allowed to fuck around with it.

my perfect sunday

if i had my way, i would spend sundays just devouring the new york times.

i'd start at the crossword puzzle, and do every answer i could, snuggled in bed, letting the sunlight and strain of thought wake me up. i'd spill egg whites on the grey pages of arts & leisure, and sip my coffee while taking in the full-page color cinema ads & off-broadway theatre descriptions. i'd give my boyfriend the sports section and take a shower while he read out unfinished crossword clues and summarized book review titles. i'd flip through the food & travel sections in my towel, and clip coupons, and check television listings as i dried my hair. and when half the day is gone, after i'd dress and pat my hair dry and feel ready to greet the world outside my world, i'd read the front page: headlines and photo captions first. national news, then global. and all the sadness, and all the past, and all the news that some editor deemed fit to be printed would soak through my narrow life as i left my week behind.

my favorite monologue from dogma

Bartleby: The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it! They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you, once, to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN?! It's not right - it's not FAIR! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time?

Don't you think its time we went home?

this weekend.

very. very. stressed.

not handling it well.

zombies, the pill, and anniversaries

i woke up this morning after having spent all night battling zombies in my dreams. somehow claudia (my coworker girlfriend) and i were at the remains of a completely destroyed degrassi high (lol), slaying badguys with automatic weapons (and even syringes at one point – that’s badass! except the zombie pulled it out and chucked it back at me, which sucked). i do admit that i felt a bit like a videogame heroine when i wasn’t scared out of my wits, but i was in the middle of the climactic scene when my alarm went off, and even when you’re having a bad dream, you still want to see how it plays out…so there were several snooze sessions that involved my attempted regression into the battlefield of my mind to try to finish my adventure (it didn't work).

anyway, a couple hours later i was at work, and started feeling super sore in my shoulders, my back and my ribs (which is practically your whole body when you’re talking about places to be sore). i figured it was either all the laps i did over the weekend, or that i had slept really fitfully in some strange position and freaked out my system. basically, my body just feels uncomfortable in my skin today. everything is sore, my eye is a little irritated, it’s freezing at work so my fingers and toes are twenty well-polished little ice cubes, and my stomach is hurting.

which should be a clue, right ladies? of course the first thing claudia suggests is that my time of the month is coming up. instantly, i know she’s right, but it hadn’t occurred to me b/c i’ve been on the pill for so long that i’m used to (1) knowing exactly when everything is going to happen, (2) if i’m not feeling like it, skipping this part of my cycle entirely, (3) oh, i dunno, not having stomach cramps and full-body aches when i haven’t done the requisite mis-eating or exercise to deserve it.

but since toyota doesn’t give full health benefits to us humble interns, and i’m certainly not going to pay $50 a month for birth control when, um, there’s really nothing to control at this point, i decided to do without it until september when i start school again.

here’s some fun facts you may not know:

1) pms-ing sucks. yeeeees, it sucks for guys that have to deal with us (i am sorry), and yeeeees i do know girls who use it as an excuse to be fussy. but honestly? i feel just ridiculously icky in my body right now—everything hurts, no matter how i sit i can’t get my back pain to go away, etc, etc. i don’t know if it’s just my body recoiling from the lack of the drugs for the first time in a year, but pms-ing is like a full-blown body rebellion! so guys! have some sympathy. it’s not great.

2) the pill is great! it is great, great, great. there are many subreasons for this! they include:

3) it prevents children! this is great when you are 22!

4) it clears up your skin! i am not kidding. i’m starting to break out again on my forehead and it’s like….*sigh* nooooot thiiiis agaaaaaaaain. i thought i was dooooone with thiiiiis.

5) it prevents serious cramping. not such a big deal when your cramping was not serious to begin with. very big deal when you had very serious, work-stopping, can’t focus on anything else, i would cut out my uterus and give it to a homeless guy except i think he wouldn’t appreciate it very much cramps.

6) YOU CAN SKIP YOUR PERIOD. THIS IS MAGIC. you can do this at NO harm to your body, INDEFINITELY.

there’s one more item that belongs on this list, but not for me. the pill will also increase your bust size! oh, yes, great for many of you, not so much something i want—i can’t have my boobs any bigger! i’ll fall over! so i went the low-estrogen route, which is supposed to minimize that effect.

anyway, the point of all this was: i had a crazy dream, and i miss the pill.

confidential…to those who find it: today marks 4 years. i like to think she’d be in med school by now, probably a really good one, and probably on a scholarship! dearest miss k…she was so awesome. if i could tell her, i would thank her for always being such an awesome girlfriend to me. i miss you so, so, so much.

last day

so today was my last day at the mayor's office. i am finally free, from my crazy boss and hectic stress and downtown LA traffic and last minute press conferences and missed meals.

i stole a -ton- of office supplies.

monday, i'll start my summer internship with toyota. (no rest for the weary.) (or wary? weary, i think) i'm nervous about starting somewhere new, even though they seem very exicted to be getting an intern with professional work experience. actually, that's probably part of my problem - i'm so concerned that i'll get there and they'll realize i'm a total hack, and all my "experience" entailed at the mayor's office was avoiding my boss and procrastinating. it's not entirely true, but i certainly feel there's a danger of my real inability to be exposed.

the other concern is that people there will not like me. which is a stupid concern. because i know that no matter where i go, there will always be people who do like me, as well as people who don't, and as long as i'm not deceived about which is which i shouldn't have a problem. but i do let it mess with my head; all i can think about whenever the dislikers are present is how to be impressive somehow to make up for it. and then i end up sounding like a babbling moron or standing reeeeally awkwardly in silence.

i have found that boyfriend's sisters, in particular, do not like me.

at least i am consistent!

recommendations 1 - a sleuth, a spread, and a scent

drumroll, please! stolen pretty much directly from mcsweeney's, i am introducing my list of recommendations! the first list is: a sleuth, a spread, and a scent!

"veronica mars"
smart, funny, perceptive - describes both the heroine & upn's new teen detective drama. kristen bell is perfect as veronica; at first i kept being distracted by how similar she was to allison mack's chloe on "smallville," but i honestly got over that really quick cause the story in the pilot is so good! as for lilly, generally, playing the dead girl isn't a great showcase for your acting ability, but amanda seyfried brings so much life to the flashback scenes it's hard to imagine the role going to anyone else. plus, the boys (wallace, logan, duncan, weevil) really grew on me; i wasn't a fan of any of them at first, but the season takes you through so much character growth. and like "the oc," the adult characters are every bit as well developed and interesting. be careful if you're a newbie: start with the pilot, and know that no, of course it's not entirely realistic, but few tv shows are--where "vm" succeeds is, like "buffy," the point is that you can relate to how the characters interact with each other and grow. hooray for season 2's renewal!

chocolate peanut butter
no, i don't mean nutella. i mean Jiffy: Smooth Sensations - Chocolate Peanut Butter. it's not that weird jar with stripes of peanut butter & stripes of something else--it's perfect, blended, delicious peanut butter that you can put in sandwhiches, on apples, crackers, celery...oranges (aaah good times w/olga)...or just eat by the spoonful (parents generally do not approve of this method). it's good. orgasm good. try.

vanilla
i understand this is pretty broad, but i've decided that it's my blog, and i'll do what i want, thankyouverymuch. vanilla scented oil not only makes me enjoy being me, but also probably had a lot to do with boyfriend retention at one point in my life. similarly, vanilla candles are a big recommendation. i freely admit that i overdo it on the vanilla extract when a recipe calls for it. and vanilla ice cream kicks chocolate's ass. (for some reason, i'm not that big on vanilla bean or french vanilla ice creams. they're just fine, but inferior somehow. opinions on this are welcome.)

ice creams? ices cream? :) hey, opnions on everything mentioned are welcome!

pavel

miss you & love you. i really, really wish i had shown more appreciation for your talent & our friendship, and now it's too late. you deserved a long, full, fun life, and we've all learned from your strength - thank you. xoxox