Monday, August 28, 2006

there's no business...

i want everything.

i want to be the center of attention, the center of the universe, the universal answer, the answer to no question.

that's a lie. i want to be a black hole. i want nothing to come near me out of fear of what i may do, what i may take, how i may ruin.

i want to be understood, but i don't want to put in the effort.

i want to be insulated from everything that hurts. twice over. i want to be strong enough that pain never breaches my outer walls, that it never pierces my armor and stabs through the skin. i want to have no achillles' heel, no soft spot, no sweet spot. i want to be all sweet spot.

i feel like i deserve to be punished. like my whole life is a righting of wrongs. unsuccessfully so. i want to be successful. but i want the world to measure success with the same barometer i'm using, not the impossible, daunting scale it has now where my efforts don't even register.

i want to be loved, but i don't want to put in the effort. i've already put in the effort. i want it to be given to me instead of being taken from me. but i don't want anyone to know.

i want nothing.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

and, on a related note...

comics 2 - form // story

aah. this is one of my top favorite concepts. i kid you not, i am actually excited to write this. (check here for the first ridiculously nerdy post.)

when form parallels the story

okay, so i absolutely love when the form or structure of a story parallels, or accentuates, the story itself - i think it's a smart, slick move on the writer's part, and tough to pull off, but ever so satisfying when done correctly. i'll give you an example - the movie memento, or adaptation. the way these stories are told are, in a sense, imperative to get the greatest impact of the story, imperative to understanding what the story itself is all about. ever read nabokov's pale fire? (ohmygod, or mark danielewski's house of leaves?!?!! purchase it. immediately. it is a suspense film AND an indie drug film, somehow disguised as a postmodern book. i am still not sure how it is quite able to do that.)

it's all about how the storytellers really f-ing USE their medium, and push the boundaries of what they are trying to do in order to tell a .better. story. okay, these are obvious, glaring examples; but this is also something that i love when used subtlely...a good example of this is in an author's rhythm. have you ever noticed how a writer can "stop" a reader - just by changing his sentence structure? like, in the middle of a story, all of a sudden there is one line: "The phone rang." and, it's the shortest sentence in the entire book so far, and you get there, and its simplicity just makes you stop. when i read this (nabokov short story), i was just like, this is brilliant! because the characters in the story had also just stopped from the startling ring as well - and here we were, the characters in the story and me, just holding our breadth for one split second, because nabokov TOLD us to. this is why dan brown can essentially write a page-turner/movie book, but his prose is god-awful -- he has no sense of how to use the medium, and really affect his readers with his words.



all right, so what does this have to do with comic books, yeah? i think that graphic art is (*sigh* or WAS, even just a couple of years ago. maybe not anymore) very much a medium that does not know its place, and thus isn't restricted by it. the whole concept of a "panel" IS this idea of making your form tell your story. the very fact that an artist looks at a blank page, sections it off however he chooses, and then translates that stillness and those restrictions (sections) into movement is awesome. it's the parallel to peter parker keeping his hero identity quarantined from his "real" life (and loves) and being unable to do so . . . or to professor x trying to tear down the hatred that divides mutants but finding that dividing lines happen no matter what one does. it's many, many individual stories and lives (be it individual characters, or even individual issues) being stitched and patchworked together into a whole. and there you go.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

love and loss



krisana marie. i love you.

11/23/82 - 07/25/01

Monday, July 03, 2006

photo blog 3 - anime expo 2006

anime expo, at the anaheim convention center, 2006.

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gundam wing cosplayers

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tiff and i waited in line behind shuya, from battle royale. =D he has my favorite weapon on the island - a pot lid. lol.

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i have no idea who these cosplayers are supposed to be, but their costumes were amazing...

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amazing black kimono. she had a lovely pose, as well.

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look at those red tulips pop! this is from an anime called ouran high school host club.

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sanosuke from kenshin. lol, elaine would have a fit, ne?

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tiff's friend mike as sora, from kingdom hearts - he was the best sora there, by far. ^_^ i love the motion behind him in this photo, like one of those moments in film when the focus of the camera is still, but everything is still humming around him. (prime example.)

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the paper umbrellas and the great poses really make this shot...

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sweet lolita. her wig was the most gorgeous white-blonde :) i wish i could have captured it better...

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it's-ah me, ah-mario

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i don't know what anime she's from, but she is striking. (ps. she is a he! *sigh* some people are so talented.)

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gorgeous costume - look at the colors

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the green hair. the cigarette. the drinking problem. yellow collar, blue suit, hands in pockets - if i could have spike's arms around me every day i would never complain again.

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even though i was already a schoolgirl for halloween, my cuz and i also joined the fun with a japanese version. =)

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

quadruple bypass blogging

fellow blogger jaggd wrote a really interesting post recently about his motivation for blogging...or, as the post explains, perhaps his recent lack thereof.

ever since i moved to blogspot from pitas, i've been trying to keep my posts minimally about my personal life; i enjoy putting up interesting articles and recommendations so people can see what i am interested in, but i've been trying not to get too detailed. my biggest exception, as i think is natural, is when i am upset; this is the time when i feel most alone, and thus need to "vent" the most.

ironically, this is the time when words are most difficult for me to form. how do you talk about yourself and your issues without sounding really, painfully, self-involved? tricky.

what's more, it is during these periods that i feel zero motivation to write. part of it is that, like my friend, i think that no one is going to read it anyway. no one cares. that is a powerful toxin to creative expression, i think.

another part of it is that lack of motivation comes part and parcel with feeling blue; it's a defining characteristic, in fact.

the other thing that happens is that i write, and then i hate what i produce. i strive to be funny, insightful, interesting...then i end up positive i sound ridiculous, like i am trying too hard. it's an interesting beast. [blogger's note: another fellow blogger and old friend sakusha also has some very eloquent words about inspiration and writing. click the link & search the page for post title "broken silence" and "disjointed ramble."]

anyway, i had a blog post planned tonight to touch a bit on the topic of hospitals. my grandfather is going in for a quadruple bypass tomorrow. the post might have reflected on my decision tonight that i really do not like hospitals (tonight being only my third hospital experience i can remember), also fattened up a bit with facts that i gathered about the procedure from web md (which, if you have never visited, is an awesome site - UNLESS YOU ARE SICK), and, as can only be expected, perhaps a couple thoughts on death as well.

but you know what? it just seemed too personal.

so i got to thinking about blogging. i used to (and still do) blog about personal things, and as you can probably already tell, i certainly have no problem not shutting up! about philosophical/psychological things. so what's the issue? i'm not sure.

somewhere between planning my post tonight and typing it up, the elusive feeling i was trying to capture somehow . . . changed. and you know, maybe that is the point of blogging? to just capture those really thin slivers of perspective in that one teensy, particular moment, before all the other emotions/fears/things you are trying to express take center stage for their moment.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

honey, where are my shades?

i have a ton of family staying with us this week. a fun fact i learned from my aunt, while we were chatting about the rain in seattle and the high suicide rates:

"did you know that seattle also has the highest purchasing rate for sunglasses? it's because we use our sunglasses so infrequently. lots of time to get lost. here, you use them every day - but try finding them after nine months of rain! everyone just goes out and buys a new pair!"

hehe!

Monday, June 12, 2006

comics 1 - plight of the hero

okay, so a really long time ago i mentioned that i was working (intermittently) on a post about why i love comics/graphic novels. with the rapidly rising interest in the comic book realm in mainstream media (this is the goldmine that filmmakers will be mining steadily for the next few years), i figure i'd better start posting installments or my thoughts may become outdated ridiculously soon.

here is part 1 - some thoughts on the heroes of these stories.

plight of the hero(ine)

my main example here is buffy. i know it's not a comic book per say, but the theme that i love most about it is the same - she alone is the one girl who has been given the exceptional responsibility of having to save the world from everything that has ever and could ever go wrong. the way joss tells the story, no one else, not even the others in her scooby gang, can begin to understand what she goes through, and the sacrifices she has to make; she didn't ask for it, it's a life destined for hardship and sacrifice, and yet she does it, she puts herself on the line every time there's peril, in order to save those she loves (as well as those who will never know what she's done).

it's the same concept as in xmen, and rising stars and to a lighter extent spiderman, and i love it, the whole sense of forced loneliness and duty, that no one else could possibly understand what it means to live life the way you do, cause nothing is easy and no one can help and no one appreciates you, even though you try your damndest and you have the best of intentions. the paradox here, of course, is that as a viewer or reader is meant to empathize with the character, to feel just as they do. paradoxical since the idea is that each of us are the only ones who do. we are the only ones who get close-ups of buffy's off-screen melancholy glances, and peter parker's interior monologues via thought balloons as he flies through new york city. i'm being cheeky now, but it's true, and it's the whole point - that's *why* our superheroes are our age and that's why joss whedon and stan lee give them everyday woes on top of their superhero woes, we're *meant* to align ourselves with them. and that is why we love them!

there is also very much a sense of anger about the forced mediocrity that comes with hiding that secret identity. i just re-watched the incredibles tonight, and this is a thought that movie handles very well, the idea that the world might verbally tell you that to be special is what to strive for, but punishes you if you are. x-men adds an extra twist to this by having the core group divided, a clear line between those mutants who could pass as human, versus those who couldn't (mystique, nightcrawler, beast).

for those with that option, it's an intriguing concept because, particularly drawing the parallel with teens, it's a toss up for how one is going to be able to survive those high school hallways...stand up for what your tastes are, and let the bullies have at it, or suffer the fools and their stupid ideas while protecting yourself. the kids who succeed at school (and i don't mean academically) will tell you that it's possible to do both ("don't compromise, people will respect that"), but most of the rest of us know better.