steve & jeff explain to patrick...

Patrick: It was just so embarassing. I didn't know what to do.
Steve: Happens to us all, mate.
Jeff: All of us, in our time, are visited by the Melty Man.
Patrick: The what?
Jeff: Don't say his name, Patrick. Don't even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.
Patrick: [chuckle] Terrified pants?
Steve: [gravely] There's nothing funny about the Melty Man, Patrick.
Patrick: [face falls] You know about the Melty Man, too?
Steve: We all know the Melty Man.

Patrick: Who is he?
Steve: The archenemy of trouser confidence.
Jeff: Professor Moriarty. In groin form.
Steve: Darth Vader.
Jeff: Without the helmet.

Patrick: [terrified and shocked] What does he do?!
Jeff: Patrick, you *know* what he does.
Patrick: [looks down] Oh... right.
Jeff: You're in bed with a woman. Everything's going fine. That's when the Melty Man strikes.

Steve: Suddenly you find yourself thinking, "Maybe she's really bored."
Jeff: Maybe you're licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?!
Steve: Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what if one breast gets ahead?
Jeff: Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish 'em both together and do them at once?! [demonstrates. Patrick frowns.]
Steve: Or should you skip one breast completely just to save time?
Jeff: She's wriggling about! Is that a good sign - or is she just trying to draw her neck?!
Steve: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?
Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

Steve: [snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her *huskily* "baby."
Jeff: You never called her baby before.
Steve: You've never called anyone baby before.
Jeff: So why did you just call her baby? - Suddenly, you're starting to blush.
Steve: Now, you're blushing *and* you've got and erection. NO ONE'S got enough blood!
Jeff: The engines cut. They can't take it.

Steve: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
Steve: Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!
Jeff: [hand goes down] Pufff.

Patrick: [with terror and disblief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
Steve: We don't.
Jeff: I haven't had sex in years.
Steve: It's just not possible anymore.
Jeff: We are followers of the Melty Man.
Steve: And you're one of us now.

Coupling, 2x04, "the melty man cometh"